Dear Mr. Numan,

It has come to our attention that you have been making some rather unflattering comments about some of our products. We make products for people who like using them only. If you do not like them then sod off and buy someone else's samplers.
If you have nothing good to say about our products then why do you buy them? This constant bitching means you must have nothing better to do with your life. Why don't you just get on with writing your new songs and let us do what we want?

You have had replacements, and you may have a refund if you want, but only if you get it back to us within the next three days. We sell a great number of products to many people and don't need your money any longer, but thanks for the cash in the past - we're all loaded now. Our company has much more money than you so it is obviously not our fault if you get problems with equipment.

I don't wanna talk to you no more. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberry.

Yours unfaithfully,

Baz Darkyear
Customer Service Manager, Okai, Andromeda major.